And one for the little girl who lives down the lane

(Addendum to the poem “With This I Wash my Hands” – see March archive)

It’s been three weeks of commuting by TTC, with at least two years left to go. I am no stranger to “Riding the Rocket” [hey now], having done it for three and a half years during my undergraduate days. The trains, schedules, and routines are the same but something is markedly different. The commute no longer depresses me.

So what changed? The ride is just as long and tiring as before. The trains are just as crowded and subject to as many delays. The environment did not change. I did.

From time to time, I used to feel herded downtown by an invisible force. I was just one of many who did what they did because that was what they were told or expected to do. There was no participation on my part. I went downtown everyday because of a decision I made in high school to go to university and the university told me to show up in class at certain times on certain days. It was surreal to feel my removal from reality.

The difference this time around is that I’m in control. I’m back in grad school because of a decision I made three years ago. It was no more conscious or planned than my undergraduate choice. Neither of them were made for the right reasons or with all the facts, but fortunately, both worked out well. Despite the similarities, I’m living the choice and making the most out of it this time around. Let me explain.

My mind has been made up about how I want to balance my life. Work is a necessity. Without work, you cannot pay for the food, water, and shelter you need to survive. Everyone has to work. Back in the good old days of hunting and gathering, people ‘worked’ all day because if you didn’t, you’d starve and your village mates would eat you. Then came agriculture. Thank goodness! Weak little me would not have survived as a hunter/gatherer. An agricultural society produces enough food to allow for other occupations other than farmers. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to get paid sitting in front of a computer and modelling things on Excel. So whether it is farming or Excel modelling, I have to make my contribution somehow somewhere to get paid. I happen to prefer the latter.

The capitalist society we live in promotes wealth. Somewhere along the line, people no longer worked for survival. They worked to gather and collect as much wealth as possible. The days at the office lengthened and the time spent with family shrunk. What for?

I will do all I can to lead a balanced life. Since work is necessary, and that I will have to spend at least 40 hours a week doing it, I might as well make it as enjoyable as possible. This is why I decided to go to grad school. I was not convinced that I would be happy simply being an engineer. So I’m investing my time in grad school to open up interesting career paths. I plan to work smarter, not harder [something all lazy people say...and I'm no different].

I’d rather see my kids grow up than drive a Mercedes. I’d rather spend time with my husband than live in a house that is too big for us. I’d rather enjoy life than spend it chained to a desk.

Serenity Now!

I don't usually jot down diary-type entries in my blog but something upset me enough today to allow for a slight bend of an unwritten rule.

I took Stormy out for a walk after school. She was, as always, sniffing everything in sight and taking her sweet ol' time. As I was watching her walking around aimlessly by a hydro pole, I saw a car backing out of a driveway out of the corner of my eye and thought nothing of it. But after a few seconds, the car was still there so I looked up to see what was going on.

There was a lady in the car making "What the hell?" gestures at me. At first glance, my brain could not interpret her signal. Then I quickly realized that she didn't like Stormy sniffing around on the lawn.

Time out

I understand that not everyone is a dog lover. Whether that is the case or not, I'm always a responsible dog walker and try to be sensitive to the needs of my neighbours. I always pick up after Stormy and never let her do her business on the actual front lawns in my area. I restrict her to the tiny piece of grass belonging to the city (between the sidewalk and the road). At that time, Stormy wasn't even on the city lawn that was at HER house. We were at her next door neighbour's city lawn.

Time in

When I figured out what she wanted. I looked down. Great...perfect timing...Stormy decided to take a dump right then and there. But wait a minute, I'm not doing anything wrong and neither is Stormy. So I look up again and shrugged my shoulders to give her the "What?" signal. She repeated her "What the hell?" gestures three times after that and I shrugged my shoulders in response each time. When Stormy was done her business, I took a bag out to pick up after her. When I look up again, I noticed that the lady's window was down. At this point I'm fairly ticked off but made a point to speak calmly [for effect].

Me: Can I help you?

Lady: ~silence~

Me: Excuse me, is there something I can help you with?

Lady: Why don't you take your dog and do this on your own lawn?

Me: She's a dog and she can't help where she goes. This is not your lawn. This is public property. I pick up after her so there is no issue.

Lady: She is on my lawn.

Me: No she isn't. She is on public property. You are being very rude.

At that point, I realized that I was not getting through to her so I walked past her car [which was blocking the sidewalk...now how rude is THAT] and went on my merry way. She drove off, stopped in the middle of the street and rolled down her window.

Lady: Should I learn polite lessons from you?

Me: You're being rude again.

She steps on the gas and zooms down the street.

OK. I can forgive innocent ignorance. You simply don't know better. But when you're wrong, rude, and inarticulate in your argument, you're 0 for 3. What have you got going for you? Nothing.

And yes lady, you should take some "polite lessons" from me.

Hey big spender

It sucks to be in debt. Until now, I’ve taken my financial independency for granted. Ever since my first job at the public library a decade ago [I’ve been in the work force for ten years?], I saved what I made and paid for what I bought. No longer did I have to rely on my meagre $1/month allowance from my parents (that’s an entire story on its own)! Now that I have a line of credit in my name and am tens of thousands of dollars in the hole, I look back to the one other big financial commitment I made – my car.

I bought my first car when I was 18. No, I don’t mean that my parents bought it for me. I took my own money out of my account and used it to purchase a car. It was a used Corolla sold by a small car rental company. It had no power locks, no power windows, nor hubcaps – but I can never forget the sense of pride I felt every single time I got into the driver’s seat. I was especially proud of the fact that I was first of my friends to buy my own car. The Corolla was my baby.

Buying a car was a bigger commitment that I realized in the time. It drained almost all my savings. It’s not the best thing I could have done with my money – everyone knows how quickly autos depreciate. But what I got in return was invaluable – personal independence. Who knows how different my life would be now if I bought a set of encyclopaedias instead.

Well, I probably would not have to worry about paying off my next credit card bill, that’s for sure. Luckily, Rotman pays for my interest on my tuition loan as long as I remain in school. So even though I’m so deep in the hole that I’m halfway to China - it’s just a number with absolutely no consequence [for now]. But, it’s still uncomfortable. The feeling of pride has been replaced by survival mode.

I saved what I could in the past two years to pay for 1 year’s worth of tuition. This had better be worth it!

I sure hope Maslow is wrong

There’s this guy – Maslow – who came up with a very well known ‘need theory’. According to him, we have different hierarchical levels of need. Once the lowest level is satisfied, we are no longer motivated by that level and look to tackle the next set of needs. From bottom to top, the levels of needs are: physiological, safety, belongingness, esteem, and self-actualization. You can move up the hierarchical ladder but not down. Although widely documented, this theory is not supported well by empirical data.

Well I sure as heck hope not! It is a really interesting insight to what makes us tick. But I have to disagree with how Maslow placed the order of needs. Physiological and safety needs are obviously very basic and must be met first. D’accord. But what good are belongingness and esteem without self-actualization?

Not only are misguided searches for belongingness and esteem a waste of time, but they can be detrimental and counterproductive. There are no benefits from belonging to a societal group or organization for the sake of belonging. Self-esteem will also be lacking without in depth self evaluation and actualization. There must be some sort of rite of passage before you can learn not only HOW to belong and believe in yourself, but more importantly – WHY.

Once you figure out who you want to be and how you want to achieve that, the world becomes your playground. You look at your surroundings very differently. Suddenly, you see things simply as tools to help you achieve the goals you’ve set for yourself. This view may sound plain, boring, or even WRONG, but it definitely helps you sort out and appreciate what is important to you in life.

Engerla is a snob

Wait! No she’s not. That statement is a blatant lie. It honestly could not be further from the truth. So…why am I starting rumours and putting myself at the receiving end of an ass whopping?

To prove a point at someone else’s expense, of course! Enge is a close friend of mine and I thought I knew her pretty well until she got upset with me [in her quiet and barely detectable way] when I jokingly called her a snob. Although I was blunt and said it in a serious tone, I thought my sarcasm was obvious by virtue of the comment’s outrageous absurdity. Apparently, I was wrong. Because I am an overly honest and blunt person [to a fault at times], she took that comment as a sincere one. Still, I couldn’t understand why she was so upset until recently. What’s a little name calling between friends?

I walked what felt like ten miles in her shoes this past week. Although I am much better at dishing insults than taking them, I was especially sensitive to certain comments made to me recently [disregarding the fact that they came one after another, after another, after another…]. To make matters worse, I became upset at how upset I was. In fact, it got to a point where I had to sit myself down and think things through.

Why the heck was I being so touchy? It turned out that it wasn’t simply because I was the butt of a few jokes. It was because they picked on things that were near and dear to me. I have set in my mind what kind of person I want to be and I strive hard to achieve that. When I was accused of being something I hated, I lost control. Engerla was upset because she dislikes it when people are snobby. So for me to associate her with that character trait was a slap to her face. If I wrongly [and jokingly] accused her of anything else [i.e. boring, annoying, etc.], she would probably just have pushed me to the ground and told me to shut the hell up.

Some learnings from this small ordeal:
- I’ve got to increase my take it/dish it ratio
- It can sometimes [but not very often] be good to overanalyze
- Enge and I are proud peoples

An Elevator Ride With An Olympian

It was brief and I didn't know who he was.

We were taking the elevator back to our floor after returning from my farewell / thank you lunch. The elevator stopped and a group of men came in. Pleasantries and greetings were exchanged before they left a few floors later. My colleague turned around and asked if we knew who he was. We didn't. He used to swim competitively and was an Olympic medallist years ago. My first thought was "What is he doing working here?" My second thought was "I'm such a hypocrite!"

It has always been a pet peeve of mine when people base their impression of me based on one simple piece of information. One small part of the puzzle. One minute part of who I am. When they think I'm just goofy, quiet, smart, dumb, or athletic, etc. [whether they're right or wrong], I want to scream "I'm more than that!" I've put in a lot of effort to be well-rounded and it is disappointing when people don't care enough to discover the other parts of my life.

Just because he was an Olympic swimmer didn't mean he wasn't the 9-5 type of guy who would enjoy working at a large corporation. I now see that it's easy to fall into traps like this and will make a conscious effort to get to learn more about those around me.