Getting a phone plan is harder than you'd think

Phone plans are apparently described in gibberish. Here is an example:

The prepaid $100 Turbo Cap plan gives you:
- $100 MyCredit
- $800 MyBonus
- $600 Pre-paid money
- 1GB My Data

We have to ask about system access fees, voicemail, call display, etc. You're not allowed to add extra things to the plans (i.e. $5 for unlimited weekends or upgrade your data plan). Worst of all, we need to open a bank account just to get a phone plan! The banks were closed today so this will have to wait until Monday.